Trick or Treat

virtualglobetrotting.com

virtualglobetrotting.com

Rainn Wilson raises the bar.

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Christians Burn Bibles on Halloween

Ukulele Videos for Halloween

Whether this post is a trick or a treat is not for me to decide. 

At the Corktown Ukulele Jam, young Jimmy the Uke plays “Monster Mash

The Vampire Song, aka “You Know a Lot About Me,” by Count Orlok and his Ukulele

Poopy Lungstuffing and Organ Failure perform “You Are My Sunshine” as it would sound if zombies sang it

Poopy does a solo version of “Little Orphant Annie.”  I think this is the best video in this post.

The Wolf in Me,” a rather grim original by Danny Korves.

Jennifer Teeter’s “Sea Monster’s Lament,” also known as “The Lesbian Sea Monster Song.”  It’s realy too sweet to be a Halloween song, but there is a monster in it, and some handcuffs, so I’m including it. 

If you are looking for a song addressed to neopagans who keep 31 October as a religious holiday called Samhain, here’s something

Johann Sebastian Bach Visualized by Stephen Malinowski

Some collective nouns

A herd of cows; a flock of sheep;  a pride of lions; a pack of dogs.

A murmur of starlings;  an exaltation of larks;  a murder of crows; a parliament of owls.

Just in time for Halloween, David Malki’s Wondermark offers a list of collective nouns for beings of species less well-documented than those above (click the image to read a legible version of it on his site.) 

wondermark collective nouns

For those times you really, really wanna know what the person who googled right before you googled.

I guess I DIDN'T wanna know.

I guess I DIDN'T wanna know.

A couple times I thought it was talking to me.

Funny Times, November 2009

funny times november 2009The highlights from recent editions of Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird include a story from the  30 August collection about an alternative lifestyle catching on in Japan.    Some Japanese men and a few Japanese women have taken to carrying dolls around with them and identifying these dolls as their significant others.   One man “said he would like to marry a real, 3-D woman, ‘but look at me.  How can someone who carries this doll around get married?”  The 6 September collection included this story under the heading “can’t possibly be true”:

The August issue of Gourmet magazine highlighted the apparently high quality of sushi prepared and sold at a BP gas station near the intersection of Ridgeway and Poplar in Memphis, Tenn. A sushi chef works on-site and reportedly sells 300 orders a day. [Commercial-Appeal (Memphis), 7-23-09]

This issue includes some jokes that are old, but genuinely funny.  For example, “Planet Proctor” includes these old warhorses:

“If you try to fail and you succeed… which have you done?”

“The Tao does not speak.  The Tao does not blame.  The Tao does not take sides.  The Tao has no expectations.  The Tao asks nothing of others.  The Tao is not Jewish.” 

Jon Winokur’s “Curmudgeon” column preserves some funny lines this month as well.  From William “Blackie” Sherrod, “”If you bet on a horse, that’s gambling.  If you bet you can make three spades, that’s entertainment.  If you bet cotton will go up three points, that’s business.  See the difference?”  From C. Wright Mills, “Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.”  From Ambrose Bierce, “Finance is the art or science of manging revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager.”  Bierce’s point is made more emphatically by Fred Schwed: “A out-of-town visitor was being shown the wonders of New York’s financial district.  When the party arrived at the Battery, one of his guides indicated some handsome ships riding at anchor.  He said ‘Look, those are the bankers’ yachts.  And over there are the brokers’ yachts.’  The naïve customer asked ‘Where are the customers’ yachts?” 

M. D. Rosenberg makes some points.  For example: “Whenever someone says, “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart,” all I hear is, “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”  And something I’d never thought of: “I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.”  Also a question that I’ve been trying to answer for the last few decades, “How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?”  I’ve seen it done- I saw my mother fold a fitted sheet neatly, so that it looked like it did when it first came out of the package.  That was in 1977.  She hasn’t done it since, and I’ve never come close.   

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A ukulele teacher in Qatar

Via Ukulele Hunt (long may it wave,) “Mrs P,” a Westerner living in Doha, Qatar, reports that she has been giving ukulele lessons there.  Among her students are members of the royal family.

Fun and Easy Magic Spells

Spells should be cast with respect and reverence. 

Keep in mind the Rule of 3: Spells cast with intent of malevolence will cause malevolence to return to the spellcaster threefold. Spells cast with intent of benevolence will cause benevolence to return to the spellcaster threefold.

Spells for Halloween or anytime:  

royalcandycompany.com
royalcandycompany.com

CHARMED CANDY  

Created by: Sir Summer ShiningStar

 Given to: the Great Puzuzu 

 
You will need: a handful of candy; a white or orange candle 
 What to do: Light the candle, and put the candies in a pile. Make a triangle with your index fingers and thumbs of both hands, and move them in a deosil (clockwise) direction over the candies while chanting:
  
“Charmed are these candy treats.
 
  Good fortune to all I merry meet!”
 
 
 
 
Then give away the candies to friends and family and three people you don’t know. 
  
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prime.peta.org

prime.peta.org

MIND OF A FROG

This spell gives a person the mind of a frog.

Point to a particularly dense person and say:

“Higady, pigady, pong! I give you a mind of a frog.”

The dense person’s intelligence should then skyrocket to that of a frog.

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allposters.com

allposters.com

LITTLE BO PEEP SPELL TO FIND LOST OBJECTS

Created by: Silver RavenWolf

Objects can be returned to you if they have not been destroyed and they want to come back. Objects carry energy too, even if they don’t “think” in the way we do.

 On a piece of paper, write a description of the object you have lost. Hold the open paper on the palm of your hand. Say the words “Little Bo Peep” three times, then crumple the paper in your hand, as if you’ve just caught a fairy- which you just did! Keep the paper closed in your hand. Search for the object you have lost. Don’t let the fairy out until you find the object.
(And you thought fairy tales were just kiddie stories!)

 Sometimes the energy of the object would be better off somewhere else. If this happens, the object will not return to you. If you can’t find what you lost within a week, be sure to let the fairy go.

 

More from Steve, the formerly naked Ukulele Guy

YouTube’s Steve 29928 has posted a couple of new ukulele videos.  He’s wearing clothes in these, perhaps inspired by our post below about veiled Muslim women.

What a Day for a Daydream

Jack Johnson, Holes to Heaven