The Funny Times, October 2008

This month, Dave Barry goes to the Olympics, where he finds American reporters and tourists eating things like fried scorpions and sheep-penis-on-a-stick.  Meanwhile, every actual Chinese he sees is eating fresh fruit and roast lamb.  Curmudgeon quotes witty remarks about gossip, including my favorite, Alice Roosevelt Longworth’s first rule of socializing: “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anyone, sit right here by me.”  News of the Weird describes accomodations High Point University in North Carolina offers its undergrads, accomodations so luxurious (hot tubs, concierge service, etc) that the school has come to be known as “Club Ed.”  Garrison Keillor recommends that all our leaders do as he has done and undergo Japanese spa treatments, so that they will learn that as wet naked people they are essentially indistinguishable from the rest of the world’s wet naked people.  Planet Proctor quotes an oldie-but-goodie:

We’ll begin with box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis, and shim?

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